Final Truths: Well, Maybe Not
by Writer From Rivendell
Summary: What happens when a Mary Sue writer is made to take the place of her 'Sue? Nothing sane - that's for sure! Rating for mentions of suicide, abuse, Mary Sue make-out sessions, and pure squickiness.
1. Melissa, the writer of Mary Sues

Disclaimer - I do not own The Lord of the Rings. If I did, I would probably kill myself out of the sheer horror after seeing so many Mary Sues. Well . . . maybe not.   
  
A/N - Yes, here I go again, taking another Sue and mutilating it horribly. Blame Huinesoron. He was the one that inspired me to do another one of these things. :o) Anyway - this Sue is not based off any Sues that I have seen while on ff.net, nor is it one I have written, so do not blame me for writing/MSTing it. Also, this is most definitely not my best work. Please keep that in mind as you read. Finally, I have read the PPC, and this is not meant in any way to copy them. However, if I get any complaints that I am plagerizing their work, I will remove this immediately, and e-mail them asking for permission before posting it again.   
  
"Imagine this. You are talking with your parents over dinner one night, telling them why you didn't do as well on a test as they had hoped, when suddenly they fall quiet, and turn to face each other. "Should we tell her?" Your mother asks. "We had best tell her now, before she becomes fond of this place." Your father answers.   
  
You do not pay any attention - after all, your parents are not exactly ordinary. They occasionally say pieces of sage wisdom at parent-teacher conferences that surprise even the oldest of your teachers. Why should this occasion be different from any other?  
  
Little do you know that this occasion is different. There is something that your parents have not told you, a secret known only to few. Your parents are not who they seem. They are elves. And you, despite your most desperate wishes, are trapped in an arranged marriage to Haldir of Lorien, who you have never met before, and certainly cannot come to love. Or can you? For Haldir is kind to you - and you soon find yourself falling in love with him." I scribbled furiously, completely lost in thought.   
  
"Melissa! Melissa!" Katherine, my friend, hissed in my ear, poking me. "Mr. Kent is looking your way! Stop writing and pay attention!"  
  
I looked up from what I was writing. "Wh-what?" I asked stupidly.   
  
"My thoughts exactly," said my English teacher, from where he loomed over my desk. "What are you doing? Not paying attention - that much is certain."  
  
He picked up my notebook, and looked with distaste at what I had written. "More of this nonsense about elves?"  
  
I didn't answer, knowing well what would happen next. Complete and total mockery.   
  
Sighing, my English teacher held up my notebook to the class. "As you have, once again, insisted on not paying attention, I am sorry to say that I will have to read this out loud, just as I do personal notes."   
  
Clearing his throat, he began to read, making sure to stop and make sarcastic comments in different places throughout. Before long, the entire class was laughing, and my face was bright red.   
  
  
  
Later that day, at lunch, Katherine tried to console me. "Don't feel bad - it's not like there was anything personal written in there."   
  
Emily, another friend of mine, chimed in. "Yeah. You know how Kent can be when you write notes to friends talking about personal stuff." She winced. "Remember Amy?"  
  
All three of us grimaced. "If I were her, I would have swapped schools," said Katherine softly. "After all, everyone finding out that the guy that took you to the Spring Fling was your cousin . . . it would be too much."  
  
Emily and I murmured condolences, and soon the subject changed to what homework we had to do, and how unfair the Algebra teacher, Mrs. Leigh, could be.   
  
Soon forgetting what had happened in second period, I managed to make it through the rest of my day with little trouble. Or at least I would have, had it not been for what took place that afternoon . . .   
  
I had been required to stay after school that day to make up a lab I'd missed in Chemistry. Because of the nature of the experiment, and how long it took, I missed my ride, and ended up walking home, through a small section of woods behind the school. None of this was out of the ordinary. I often liked to going ambling through the woods. It inspired me and gave me new ideas for the stories I liked to write - stories where an ordinary girl (like myself) finds herself transported to Middle Earth and turned into an elf before meeting Haldir of Lorien and falling madly in love with him. Usually they turned out pretty well, and I received good comments from everyone that read them, except for the occasional comment from a purist who told me that I was wasting my time writing Mary Sues. So what if they were Sues? I liked writing them, and most of my audience liked reading them.   
  
On this particular day, it had been raining, and the ground was slightly damp, and slippery. Normally this would not have been a problem, except for one thing - I was wearing platform shoes. Even on a good day, all it took for me to go flying was a newly waxed floor or water tracked in from the snow. I didn't stand a chance of getting home without falling.   
  
As soon as I stepped onto the leaves covering the forest floor, I tripped, and found myself falling into blackness.   
  
A few wild moments passed where I did not know where I was. Images spun past me - pictures of people I knew, and some that I didn't, of places I'd never seen before in waking life, and of creatures that only existed in dreams. Suddenly, everything came to a grinding halt. I was standing in a white room that reminded me slightly of a bank, for there were windows set in the walls that looked strangely like teller windows, and people were standing in line. Well, not people exactly. Girls. Teenaged girls. Most of them looked confused, or slightly appalled at having to be where they were - in line under a window that had "Legolas" written above it, with said elf standing behind the counter.   
  
I didn't understand why those in line looked so upset. They got to meet Legolas - what could be better than that?  
  
It was not until the girl standing conversing with the elf began to whimper as he pointed an arrow at her head that I began to comprehend. This was not a good place to be. Wherever I was at the moment, it was not a good place to be.   
  
Now feeling nervous, I made my way to the counter where Haldir was, and stood in line. I did not have long to wait before it was my turn. Feeling as if I was going to be sick, I approached the counter with much trepidation, only to be pleasantly surprised. Instead of Haldir, it was someone different - someone who was akin to him in looks, but apparently not in temperament, for he greeted me with a polite smile.   
  
"Hello. My name is Rumil. How may I help you?" He said.   
  
"Er. Um. Yes. Hello. I'm Melissa Adams, and I just sort of fell here. I was walking home and I slid on some leaves and found myself here." I answered, feeling rather sheepish.   
  
Haldir - er, Rumil, typed something into the computer before him. "Ah yes. Melissa. You were summoned here as part of your punishment for deliberately writing Mary Sues, perfect original characters that are inserted into Middle Earth, meet a canon character - characters such as Legolas, Haldir, Aragorn, Arwen, and Galadriel - and fall in love with them, making them act entirely out of character. Do you understand?" He inquired, giving me a long look.   
  
"What?" I squeaked. "I'm being punished for writing Mary Sues?"  
  
Rumil nodded. "Yes, I am afraid so. The authors, both living and dead, have grown tired of having their work constantly torn apart by Mary Sues, and have decided to do something about it." He lowered his voice. "In other words, you are being forced to live the story you wrote."  
  
I shrugged. "That's not so bad."  
  
He stared at me blankly, in an entirely un-elf like manner. "Are you really as ignorant as you seem? After what you Mary Sue writers have dreamed up you are unafraid of entering your own story?"  
  
"Well, no. I'm not afraid. After all, my stories have happy endings. My character enters Middle Earth, is magically transformed into an elf, and meets Haldir. They fall madly in love, and after a few misadventures end up marrying one another. What's so horrible about that? Compared to most of the stuff I've seen, it's pretty tame." I answered, curious as to why he seemed to find the prospect of having to live one of my stories harrowing.   
  
Rumil ignored my question for a moment, studying the computer monitor instead. With a sigh, he typed something new, his fingers flying over the keyboard with the skill of long practice.   
  
Without thinking, I blurted out, "How come you have computers if they don't exist in Middle Earth?"  
  
He stopped what he was doing, looked up at me, and smiled. "We have computers because we have to network with other fan fiction categories in order to handle crossovers properly. Also, using a computer network is much faster than the traditional quill and paper. Here in the Mary Sue department, we are allowed to bend the rules as much as is required. In Trolls, Bad Slash, Bad Song Filk, Lousy Parody, Bad Crossovers, Pointless Angst and Gary Stus they are also allowed to use whatever may be needed to set fan fiction back to rights, however, since their departments usually don't involve tracking down the authors and punishing them, they often stick to the original story as closely as possible."  
  
The printer next to him began to spit out several pages of paperwork. "There we go. Melissa Adams - you have been assigned to the fan fiction story 'Final Truths', a depressing work involving a Mary Sue who commits suicide because she cannot handle her life any longer, and finds herself tossed into Arda. According to my print-out, you wrote this story six months ago, when you had only just begun writing fan fiction. Is that correct?" Asked Rumil.   
  
I nodded, and began to be afraid. 'Final Truths' had been my first fan fiction attempt - and without a doubt my worst. The Mary Sue was annoying, the plot was stupid, and everything was so far from The Lord of the Rings it seemed like an original story.  
  
"Er, can't I go into something different? Like, one of my later stories?" I pleaded, afraid of what would become of me if I stuck with 'Final Truths'.   
  
Rumil shook his head and pointed to a small sign on the wall. "All authors are required to live their first - and usually worst - story. No exceptions. In other words, you must enter your first story, no matter who badly it may scare you."  
  
I nodded, and gulped. "Where to I go to from here?"  
  
"You will want to go to the second floor. Once you arrive there, take a right turn, and go through the door that has the word Arda written upon it. The people - or elves - located there will give you a form to fill out, and send you on your way." Rumil answered patiently. He gave me a sad look. "You are lucky that today is Haldir's day off. Usually he likes to terrify those writers that come here by telling them that they will be thrown into Mount Doom if they do not comply."  
  
I grimaced at the thought of an irrate Haldir, and, waving goodbye to Rumil went on my way.   
  
"You've been sent here by the Mary Sue department? Let's see - you'll need to fill out this form, and before you enter your story, you will be required to have your appearance altered to be like your character's. Also, you will need to turn over to us any items you have that are not mentioned in the story, original or otherwise." The woman standing behind the counter on the second floor told me.  
  
Grudgingly, I handed over my backpack, jacket, and boots. "Please take care of these - I'm rather fond of them." I informed her as I placed my footwear on her desk.   
  
Her nose wrinkled. "Yes. All right. I'll be sure that they receive the utmost care."  
  
Satisfied that no one was going to make off with my things, I found a chair to sit in, picked up the paper she had given me, and began to fill it out.   
  
FULL NAME: Melissa Adams.   
  
PARENT/GUARDIAN NAME: Joan Adams.   
  
DATE OF BIRTH: 6/12/88.  
  
GENDER: Female.  
  
EYE COLOR: Brown.   
  
HAIR COLOR: Blonde.   
  
SPECIES - Human.   
  
FANDOM(S) OF CHOICE: The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, Harry Potter.  
  
I WRITE FAN FICTION FOR: The Lord of the Rings.   
  
MY MOST OFTEN SUED CHARACTER IS: Haldir.   
  
IN CASE OF ACCIDENTAL DEATH/SUICIDE, I WOULD PREFER TO BE: Cremated.   
  
Please note that the Department of Mary Sues is not responsible for any damages to people/property that may occur while you are trapped within your story. The Mary Sue Department can not be held responsible for accidental death/injury/suicide that may occur. Please realize that you are doing this as punishment for your deeds, and that the Mary Sue Department is not liable to be sued for any reason.   
  
APPLICANT SIGNATURE: Melissa Adams  
  
I signed without hesitation, knowing that if I followed the story I wouldn't die, and handed it to the woman who had helped me earlier.   
  
"Have a nice stay, dearie," she said, grinning evilly, and pulling down a lever on top of her desk.   
  
For the second time that day, I found myself falling. This time, however, I landed in a place that I knew well. I was in the bedroom of my Mary Sue, Adriana.   
  
For once, I wished that I hadn't been so explicit about describing my character's wardrobe, sleeping quarters, and appearance. The sight of my hair alone was enough to blind me temporarily.   
  
Without warning, I suddenly felt as if I were being squashed under a heavy down pour of angst and depression. The story had begun. I was trapped within the angsty downward spiral that was Chapter One.   
  
Miserable, trapped as Adriana, I began to wonder if perhaps I had been wrong in thinking that everyone loved Mary Sue.   
  
  
  
A/N - This is the only time I will ever ask you to review this fan fic: Please review. 


	2. Lossenlossëwen ack!

Disclaimer - Don't own it, don't want to own it. Also, I do not have rights to the song mentioned in this fic.   
  
A/N - No, I'm not used to writing Mary Sue angst . . . also, this is most definitely not my best work. That would be an original fiction story that is still ongoing.   
  
Now, on with the story!   
  
"Adriana sat up and yawned, still exhausted from staying up late the night before. Ever since her parents divorce, her mother had been treating her unfairly, often taking out her anger on her daughter by yelling at her and calling her cruel names, sometimes even slapping her and blacking her eyes before retreating to her bedroom to cry herself to sleep."  
  
In Adriana's room, I had to hold my head as the stupid name-calling and pointless violence were played out in the hallway, trying not to listen to Adriana's mother's annoying voice, or the Mary Sue's whining.   
  
"Agh! No! I can't take it any more! Where's the suicide scene? I want to get out of here!" I cried.   
  
Just then, an author's note invaded my mind as the time frame shifted. "Like, this like takes place a few days later, after A's mom just finished beating her up and her boyfriend dumped her 'cause she's not pretty enough for him. K, thankies, plz r&r" flashed before my eyes in a horrifying shade of violet.  
  
"Agh! No!" I screamed, as the words were burned into my brain. "Please read and review, please read and review . . . ha ha - Mommy, look at all the pretty lights!" I babbled, slowly losing all sense of reason as the Mary Sue took over.   
  
"In the bathroom, Adriana looked at herself in the mirror and cursed inwardly. Even now, trying to end her life, she was being a coward. She could not bring herself to get a knife and cut her wrists. "I am a coward," she thought. "The kids at school were right. I'm nothing." She shouted it out loud. "I'm nothing!"  
  
Feeling suddenly angry, she picked up a small hand mirror off the counter, and threw it down on the floor, where it promptly broke into a thousand pieces against the cold tile. The sound of its breaking calmed her, helped sooth her mind. There was no doubt of what would happen now.   
  
Calmly, thoughtfully, she turned on the radio to her favorite station. 'Tourniquet' was being played now; she recognized the introduction. Perfect.   
  
She positioned herself on the floor, picked up a piece of broken mirror, and used it to slit her wrists.  
  
The sounds of Evanescence were all that could be heard as slowly her life slipped away."  
  
I awoke lying on a bathroom floor surrounded by small piles of glitter.   
  
"Where am I?" I asked myself, looking at the mess on the floor and wondering what had happened.   
  
"Mary Sues bleed glitter." Said a nonchalant voice from a region somewhere above my head.   
  
I tilted my head forward. Sitting on the toilet, calmly sipping a soda was the character who had been, until a few moments ago, Adriana's mother.   
  
"What . . . happened?" I asked, with the vague feeling that I should be somewhere else.   
  
"The author killed you, dear. Don't worry - it happens all the time. On the bright side, if she doesn't decide to torture you by sticking you in some other fandom, you won't be a Mary Sue anymore." Adriana's former mother answered calmly.   
  
"But - I am the author!" I cried.   
  
"Oh. Sorry. Didn't realize it was a self-insert." My character replied, uncaring.   
  
Just as I was about to protest that it wasn't a self-insert, and that my life would never be as bad as Adriana's, everything melted and ran, only to be replaced by a scene that I knew well. Lothlorien, where a curious Haldir was bending over Adriana's irrate form . . .   
  
Without warning, I felt the story gain control as Adriana awoke to find herself in Arda.   
  
  
  
"'Where am I?' Adriana asked herself groggily. 'What happened?"  
  
Beside her, a tall blond man answered seriously, 'You are in Lothlorien, my lady. Or do you not remember?'  
  
'Remember what?' Adriana inquired.   
  
"Your heritage! Why you were sent from Lothlorien! Can you not recall your past, daughter of Queen Galadriel?' Haldir, alarmed, asked her, sounding desperate. 'Can you not remember me?"  
  
"No. Who are you? You look like that blonde guy out of that film - The Lord of the Rings. The one that didn't like the dwarf, Gimli. Who are you?" Adriana persisted in asking.   
  
"You do not remember. I am Haldir - your betroathed! We were to be wed when your mother sent you out of the Golden Wood, out of fear that your sister might harm you. Celebrian was jealous of our love - she was jealous that you had won my heart."  
  
"Celebrian," said Adriana slowly, almost dreamily. "Where have I heard the name before?"  
  
"Your sister, Lossenlossëwen. She is your sister." Haldir told her, sounding desperate.   
  
As one waking from sleep, Lossenlossëwen turned to face him, and, unsure, asked, "Haldir? My love?"  
  
"My darling!" Excalimed Haldir, wrapping her tight in his arms, in a passionate embrace."'  
  
It was about then that I, Melissa, trapped in Adriana's form, almost lost my lunch. "Eugh! Knock it off! I yelled, as their - his and mine - mouths met. "No! Don't! Stop it!"  
  
The story line froze. Haldir peeled away from me as if I had just announced I had the plauge. "Ai Elbereth!" He swore. "What was I doing?"  
  
I didn't answer him, as I was too busy spitting and wiping my mouth alternately.   
  
He drew and nocked an arrow, pointing his loaded bow at my face. "Who," he said softly, dangerously, "are you, to be wandering the Golden Wood?"  
  
I put my hands in the air. "Whoa boy! Don't shoot. My name is Melissa, I'm a fan fiction writer, and currently I am trying to find my way out of his horribly squicky story."   
  
Haldir gave me a suspicious look, and did not lower his weapon. "What is this 'squicky' you speak of?"  
  
"Sick and icky. What just passed between me and you. In all reality, I don't love you, I think that you're more than slightly arrogant, and I'm not an elf. I'm a human by the name of Melissa, as I already said." A thought suddenly occured to me. "Shoot me."  
  
"Why do you wish me to do you harm?"  
  
"Just kill me, okay? If you kill me, chances are that I'll be able to leave this story." I winced as I remembered the form I'd had to fill out. "Or maybe not. Either way, I'll be out of her. Here. Both."  
  
Haldir drew back the bow string, preparing to fire. "As you wish," he said, looking more than slightly sadistic. "I care not whether these Sues live or die."  
  
Just as his fingers left the string, the fic took over again, and the arrow speeding at me disentragated into ashes.   
  
  
  
"My love," said Lossenlossëwen, "Should we not tell my poor mother that I have returned?"  
  
Haldir stopped hugging her, apparently lost in thought. "Yes, the Lady will be joyous that you have returned. But I do not know what Celebrian will think - she is married now, with children of her own, but she has not forgiven you, or me, for what happened. She has not forgiven us ever since the plot to kill you and take your place as the heir to the throne of Lothlorien was discovered."  
  
"I know that in her heart she will have found a way to forgive me, for else wise why would she marry?" Lossenlossëwen remarked thoughtfully.   
  
Haldir took both his hands in hers, and got down on one knee. "Lady," he said gravely, "Will you . . ."  
  
Just then, Lossenlossëwen chose to interrupt him. "Yes, my love!" She exclaimed happily.   
  
"Let me take you to your mother?" Haldir finished, somewhat lamely.   
  
"Oh. Very well then." Lossenlossë answered.   
  
Together they set out for the heart of the Golden Wood"  
  
I breathed a sigh of relief. "Phew. That was the end of the first chapter - now only twenty four more to go."  
  
Haldir glared at me from where he stood. "Twenty and four? Whatever possessed you to write so many chapters?"  
  
I shrugged. "They were short. I thought there should be a lot of them."  
  
He muttered something along the lines of, "Drat these Mary Sues."  
  
I only smirked, happy that even though I was trapped in my own story, Haldir was being tortured along with me.   
  
A/N - This chapter was just . . . squicky. My apologies. By the way, the name for the Sue came from the Barrow Downs name generator. I typed in "Adriana the Mary Sue" and the generator did the rest. :o)   
  
Reviewer Replies: For anyone that has a question, I have an answer!  
  
Almighty Isboo- I have a fan! Hooray! Glad to know that you liked the first chapter - hope that this one didn't make you lose your lunch.   
  
The Noble Platypus - Thanks. I hope you're happy - I reviewed! :o)  
  
nicole297- Here's the second chapter. I hope you enjoy it. :O) 


	3. Everything's Out of Canon

Disclaimer - I do not own The Lord of the Rings. However, the supposed story that appears within is all mine . . .unless someone else wants to be blamed for it, of course! ;-)  
  
A/N -Nope, not my best work. Most certainly not. :-) Which means I can have fun. ;o)  
  
FOR YOUR INFORMATION: Writer From Rivendell would like to take this opportunity to say that she is not a Haldir fan.   
  
Warning - This fic may cause extreme queasiness. Buckets have been provided by the author, along with anti-motion sickness pills. ;)  
  
"Lossenlossëwen - you have returned!" Cried Galadriel, overjoyed.   
  
"Yes, nana. I have returned. And thanks to Haldir here, I have remembered who I am." Said Lossenlossëwen happily, winking at her beloved. "Adar!"   
  
Smiling, Celeborn embraced his daughter. "You have returned at the right time, daughter. Our Realm is in great danger. The dark lord has returned - Lothlorien is not longer safe. Evil has been brought into the wood. You know the burden the halfling bears." He whispered into her ear.  
  
She nodded gravely. "I understand, adar. Where is Frodo? And Mithrandir - where is he?"  
  
"Mithrandir is no more. He has fallen into shadow." Said Galadriel softly.   
  
"Then the Fellowship is no longer balanced. They are out numbered - there were to be nine walkers against the nine riders, and now there are only eight. Should there not be one more?" Lossenlossëwen inquired.   
  
Her mother nodded firmly. "Yes. There should be one more - or perhaps two. For there is also a dark lord, is there not?"  
  
"Indeed. There ought to be two more to accompany the Fellowship, to make their number ten. But who shall we send?" Asked Haldir, lost deep in thought.   
  
"My daughter Celebrian would have warned me not to send you, Lossenlossëwen, but she is in Aman now, and I will make my thoughts clear. Lossenlossëwen - I believe that you should accompany the Fellowship, along with your beloved Haldir. With you among their numbers, things will be even once more - and you will not have to be parted more than an arm's length. If you go, I send you with my blessing. Will you accompany them?" Celeborn inquired of her.   
  
A single tear trickled down her cheek. "Celebrian is in Aman? When did this happen?"  
  
"She was attacked by Orcs when travelling through the Misty Mountains. She - Elrond could not heal her, so she chose to sail to the Undying Lands. She has done quite a bit of growing up since you left." Galadriel answered heavily.   
  
"Still - I cannot believe that she was . . . she has . . ." Lossenlossëwen sighed. "It is with a heavy heart that I decide to join the Fellowship. I can only hope that perhaps by my joining I will be able to help somewhat with the events at hand."  
  
Suddenly there was a loud snap as canon returned, and I was allowed to do what I had wanted to all along - scream.   
  
"No you stupid, stupid idiot! You can't join the Fellowship! You'll only mess up the story even more than it already is!" I yelled at the top of my voice.   
  
Haldir, Galadriel and Celeborn all glared at me, as I realized that I was not the only one in pain.   
  
"What is the meaning of this?" Galadriel asked me angrily. "What is this - thing - that wishes to join the Company? Why does she claim to be my daughter? Celebrian is my daughter, and she is in Aman!"  
  
"Meep." I squeaked, not wanting to face the wrath of an angry elven Lady.  
  
Fortunately for me, Celeborn had not been so badly warped out of character, and hence was not as angry. "She is no daughter of yours, Alatariel - at least, not to my knowledge. I believe that this is yet another Suvian being forced to live her story - I am correct, am I not?" He asked, turning to me.   
  
I nodded mutely.   
  
"She herself is not at fault. I am sure that this was her first story - and that she has learned the error of her ways."   
  
Just then, Haldir chose to interrupt. "Actually, she's written multiple Mary Sues, most about me, with one or two involving Legolas Thranduillion. I do not think she deserves our mercy."  
  
A dark cloud seemed to pass over Celeborn's face. "Is what the march warden says true?"  
  
I tried to mumble something incoherent, along the lines of, "No, it can't be, I never wrote any horrible Mary Sues - they were cute! I liked them!"  
  
Unfortunately for me, Elves have excellent hearing.   
  
"You wrote more than one Mary Sue story?" Celeborn asked, blanching at the thought.   
  
"Well . . . you see . . . they weren't really Mary Sues - they were cute!" I justified.   
  
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. They were not cute. They made me act unlike myself." Haldir said arrogantly.   
  
"Just because you'd never kissed a girl before doesn't mean anything!" I snapped.   
  
"I will have you know, " said Haldir coldly, "that I am married, with a wife. I have been kissed before."  
  
"You're . . . married?" I squawked.   
  
"Yes. I have been for quite some time now." He answered calmly.   
  
"Icky! I've been writing about some old married dude! Gross!" I exclaimed.   
  
Thankfully, the story chose to take over just then.   
  
(A/N - So, likies this is like two weeks later, k? The fellowship just set out from Lothlorain and now they're on their way down the River. Haldir and Lossenlossëwen are in the same boat, with one of the hobbits, and they keep wanting to make out only Legolas and Grimli keep gibing them dirty looks so their like not, k? BTW - sorry for the abbreviations. I was in a hurry when I wrote this, k? Thats y theirs netspeak.   
  
I screamed in anguish as the author's note echoed through my brain and prayed that I would never have to read - or listen to - such a thing again.   
  
"My love?" Haldir asked me. "R u alright?"  
  
"Yea. Im ok. Someone just walked over my grave, thats all."  
  
"Lossenlossëwen - u r an elf. U cant dye, remember?" Haldir said.   
  
"Oh, yea, right - I remember. Silly me." I said - er, Lossenlossëwen said.   
  
Haldir caught her up in a passionate imbrace. "My love - will u kiss me?"  
  
"Sure, Haldy." Her lips met his, and they began to makeout, with me fighting to break away all the while.   
  
"Ur the she-elf I have always dreamed of . . ." Taunted the hobbit in the boat with they.   
  
Lossenlossëwen would have stick out her tongue, only to find that she couldnt, as it was currently in Haldirs mouth.   
  
Just then, the gods of fan fiction chose to have mercy on me and have reality be reinstilled momentarily. Quickly I ripped myself away from Haldir, wiping off my mouth and trying hard not to vomit. "I cannot believe I wrote that . . ." I whimpered.   
  
Apparently Haldir felt the same way, for Merry - the hobbit currently in the boat with us - was trying hard to keep him from throwing himself overboard.   
  
I could not help myself. Feeling sorry for the poor elf, I pushed him in. 


	4. Melissa's All Tied Up

Disclaimer - Poor Professor Tolkien . . . having to watch things like this come into being . . .   
  
A/N - WfR would like to take this time to say that a). She's never written a Mary Sue - she learned from other people's mistakes, and b). That she's sorry she hasn't updated in a while. Yes, I know it's been a long time since I last updated - I've been hanging out at fictionpress.com. If you're in a hurry for updates, you can go bug me there.   
  
"What did you do that for?" Merry asked, surprised, as Haldir was swept past our boat. "Better yet - who are you, and what are you doing here?"  
  
I winced. "My name is Melissa. I'm a Sue author being punished for my evil ways. In my fan fiction, Haldir was my 'one true love'. Usually he and one of my characters joined the Company only to screw up the main story royally."  
  
Merry gave me a frightened look. "Mary Sue? You - you didn't write anything about hobbits, did you?"  
  
I shook my head. "I didn't think I knew enough about Hobbit life to write anything about them. I left Hobbits well enough alone. It was the elves that I messed with."  
  
"Haldir and Legolas?" Merry guessed.   
  
"Yep. Well, not really Legolas - I wrote a bit of slash with him in it . . . but nothing more, really."  
  
At the mention of slash, Merry's eyes went wide, and he said no more.   
  
Grateful that he had shut up for the time being, I closed my eyes, and let sleep over take me.   
  
  
  
"Lossenlossëwen," Haldir's voice said urgently. "Lossenlossëwen! Wake up!"  
  
She sat up quicky. "Whut? R we ther alredy?"  
  
"No, my luv, not yet. We'll b ther soon." Haldir answered.   
  
"Ok, so long as were together." Lossenlossëwen said sleplily.   
  
She tired to go back to sleep but Haldir stopped her. "No Lossenlossëwen! U cant' sleep now. We r in a hurry."  
  
"Whut? Whut's wrong?"  
  
"Ther r orks on the eastrn shure."  
  
"O no! Whut will we due?"  
  
"Nothin yet, Lossenlossëwen. We will just hang in ther. Do not wory, my luv," added Haldir. "We will b ok."  
  
"Hladir, Im scared."  
  
"its ok, Lossenlossëwen - well be ok."  
  
Frightened by whut was happenin, Lossenlossëwen fainted clean away . . .   
  
  
  
And I woke up to find myself being dragged out of the boat, onto shore by a very irrate looking Legolas and Haldir.   
  
"Hey! Stop that! I'm awake - you don't need to carry me!" I protested, hoping that they would not try to drop me.   
  
"Yes, we do," said Legolas vehemently. "Your limbs are bound."  
  
"What the - why am I tied up?"  
  
"It seems Lossenlossëwen has night terrors and needs to be comforted!" Haldir snapped. "I was not willing to hold your hand, so I decided to bind your hands, that you might not be able to - ahem - grab at my hands."  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Sorry. I probably deserved being tied up. Now will you please let me free?"  
  
Haldir gave me a look. "Do you seriously think that we will let you free, that you might upset the story even more than it already is through your actions?"  
  
I thought about it. "Yes?"  
  
Haldir smirked at me. "I do not think so."  
  
They left me tied up for the rest of the night.   
  
She woke up screaming. "Haldir! Haldir! Wher r u?"  
  
"Im right here, luv - what do u need?" haldir answered.   
  
"Y m I tied up?" She asked, whimpering.   
  
"U had night terrors, luv, we thought it was for the best." Haldir said calmly.   
  
"Haldy - plz untie me!" She pleaded. Boromir was giving her funny looks.  
  
"But of course, Lossenlossëwen!" Said Haldir, soundingn shocked. "We would never lave u tied up!"  
  
Pulling a nife out of his poket, he cut her bonds.   
  
"Thank u, Haldir! I thought I was dead for sure." Lossenlossëwen gasped.   
  
"U know I wood never leave u." Haldir said serioulsy, pulling her into a embrace.   
  
"I konw. I was afriad, tho." Lossenlossëwen admitted.   
  
"Don't b, my luv." Said Haldir dramatically.   
  
They begant o kiss, onlyt o b made fun of by the Company.  
  
I pulled my mouth away from Haldir's, and spat repeatedly upon the ground. "Ew! Just - ew!" I began to convulse. "How could I write such a piece of - such a piece of dreck!"  
  
Haldir glared at me. "You are not the only one being put through such torture! I have been mauled by fan girls and Mary Sues too many times!"  
  
I thought it over for a moment. "Well, that's true. You've been through more than I have. However, you have luck on your side. You don't know what's going to happen next. I do - and I'm not exactly looking forward to it!"   
  
"Not exactly looking forward to it? I have to live in fear that the story you've written is NC-17, or just plain obscene!" Haldir retorted.   
  
"Don't get your hopes up," I snapped. "The site I post on doesn't allow anything higher than a PG-13 rating - and even then they discourage that! There's going to be nothing - obscene - in this particular story!"  
  
Haldir gaped at me, as did the other members of the Company.   
  
I realized what I'd just said, and winced. "Sorry - I, er - I didn't mean that. I thought I was arguing with someone else - I kind of lost it there, for a minute or two."  
  
Haldir nodded slowly. "I see," he said calmly.   
  
The Company did not speak to me for the rest of the night.  
  
A/N - Chappie number four is here! For all u peeps out ther taht think ths is a Mary Sue (whutever that is) u can just leve me alone. Its my fic and I can due whutever I like. Its fanFICTION, duh! And for my flamers - U suck!!!!1111 Ur just jealous bcaz I can rite and u cant!!!!111 Nyah nyah! With that, back 2 ur regular scehedeuled program. And peeps, donnot jump to conclisuions. *coughWfRivendalecough* its not a MAry SuE - im the riter, im the 1 who knows hwo it ends.   
  
I tried hard not to scream as I felt the author's note go flying past my line of vision. I could not believe how horrible things had gotten. In just a chapter things had gone from bad to worse. I'd started using netspeak, had told people that they "sucked", and said that it wasn't a Mary Sue. I felt horrible, yet knew that things were about to go from worse to worst.   
  
Wincing, I braced myself for what was about to be a very squicky moment.   
  
Lossenlossëwen pulled away from Haldir and turned to face the Fellowship. "Ur just jealous b caz Haldir and I r free to express our luv, unlkie the rest of u - Aragorn and Legolas, Frodo and Sam. U r just being immature."  
  
"Thats rite, Lossenlossëwen! They r all a bunch of fools!" Haldir said supportively.   
  
Aragorn looked at her angrily. "Legolas and I r not a coupel! Im in luv with Arwen - she is my 1 and only!"  
  
"That's rite!" Legoals chimed in. "Aragorn and I r just friends - nothing more!"  
  
Frodo and Sam said nothing, instead looked at each other in despair. A/N - Whut? Thats not whut I wrot! Whut is going on hre? Who is taking ovr my storie?  
  
At the sound of the author's note, my sanity was temporarily restored. It was then that I realized what was wrong with the story - Frodo and Sam were in canon.   
  
"Oh no!" I shouted, and instantly wished I hadn't, as Aragorn, Legolas, Haldir and the rest of the Fellowship snapped back into their normal canon selves.   
  
I winced. "Don't worry - I can probably explain everything."  
  
(Real) A/N - Can anyone guess what website Melissa "posted" on? Hint - It has a Barrow Wight as a moderator. :o) Kudos - and a possible mention in the story - to anyone that does guess correctly. Also, I am considering putting the moments from the "original story" in italics. Please tell me your thoughts on this. 


	5. Two Boromirs?

Disclaimer - Nope, not Tolkien - don't own it. :o)

A/N - While I don't particularly enjoy slash, I don't condemn it. The views on slash expressed in this chapter are not mine, they belong to their respective, albeit out of canon, characters. With that said, congrats to Huinesoron for figuring out what site it was Melissa "posted" on. :o) 

This chapter is an experiment in font. If you do not like things the way they are here, please tell me - and I'll put them back to normal. 

  


"If you can explain," said Aragorn darkly, "Then please do. Please explain why, just a few short seconds ago, I had the odd feeling that Legolas and I were more than friends."

I gulped. Being around an angry Ranger was not high on my to do list. "Er - um - you see, in my world there's a thing called slash . . ."

Almost everyone grimaced. "We have heard of such things," said Aragorn calmly, "but we did not believe them to be true. For how could it be? I am in love with Arwen, and while we are not yet wed, I would never do such a thing as be unfaithful to her with another - and another male, at that!"

"It's okay, Aragorn. Don't stress over it, all right? I wrote this when I was young - and dumb." I replied, making a mental note to try and avoid writing bad slash. 

"Very well - if you say so. We cannot condemn you for something done when you were uneducated about the ways of Middle Earth." Aragorn said heavily. 

Haldir glared at him, but did not speak. 

  


_"Like, Haldir, whatever will we due? I meen, like, whut can i due to warn Frdo?"_

_ "Whut, my luv?"_

_ "I had a most horible vision of Borimir trining 2 take the ring from Frodo!"_

_ "O no - u know that ur visions almost always cum tru!" Haldir exclamed. "We must tri to stop him from taking the Ring."_

_ "I no. Borimir is evil - he must be stopped!" Lossenlossëwen cried. With those final words, she fainted clean away. _

_ "No!" Haldir exlaimed! "U mustn't faint yet, Lossenlossëwen! We hav 2 get Frodo 2 safety."_

_ "Its too l8," Araogrn said saidly. "Borimir is all redy ded. Cum c."_

I squinted and sat up slowly. There were bruises all over my backside that I was sure had not been there before, and a strange metallic taste in my mouth. I winced as memories of what had happened in the story came flooding back. Boromir. The Ring. Frodo. Lossenlossëwen's vision. All of it was horribly clear. 

Knowing that canon had been, for the moment, reinstated, I managed to stand up and hobble over to the small clearing where I knew Boromir was about to breath his last. But wait. Something was wrong. There were two Boromirs - each with a number of arrows protruding from them. 

"Oh crap," I muttered under my breath. "This is not good."

"No," said a new voice, "It's not."

I shrieked and turned around. Standing behind me was someone that could only be described as odd. Wearing a long black cloak and looking extremely sinister, he reminded me slightly of a Wraith. 

"Your name is Melissa, correct?" He asked. 

I nodded mutely. 

"Melissa, you are being charged with disrupting the already fragile canon of your story world by inadvertantly creating two Boromirs and killing them both, thus confusing the canon characters even more than they already were."

"I didn't mean to - I -" I argued feebly. 

"It doesn't matter if you meant to or not. The fact of the matter is that you still did it - and now you'll have to pay for that." He replied smoothly, effectively cutting me off. 

I glowered at him. "So what's the punishment for killing two Boromirs?"

"Normally you'd be charged with disrupting canon by killing two canon characters, but, as canon was already doomed to begin with, circumstances are slightly different." He said idly, as if he was commenting on the weather. 

"Meaning what?" I asked, suddenly nervous. 

"Meaning that we are allowed to punish you in any way we deem effective." He grinned wickedly. "Myself, I've always found torching Suvians to be effective."

I gulped. "You can't kill me! It's in my contract - I won't die if I follow the story!"

He frowned. "I know. That's why you're allowed a trial before your peers."

I smiled, relieved. "My friends will stick up for me!"

He continued on. "Your peers being fellow Suvians and Tolkien lovers, some of which will be glad to see you burn."

"T-Tolkien geeks?" I squeaked, as the dim prospects of what I was up against hit me. 

"They prefer to be called defenders of canon," he remarked lightly. 

I swallowed hard. "At least the Suvians will be on my side!"

He grinned again, in an even more sinister manner. "Not necessarily."

I remembered what I'd said about slash, and prayed that the Suvians would not be allowed copies of the fan fic I'd written, or if they were allowed copies, that they were Haldir fans. 

"Are you quite ready?" Asked the cloaked stranger. 

"Ready for what?"

"Are you quite ready to leave? The judge and jury will not be happy if kept waiting." He said patiently, as if explaining that two plus two equals four. 

"Yes. No. Yes. What's your name?" I asked, desperate for a reason to stay. 

"Agent Huinesoron." He answered, before all faded to black. 

  


Slowly, things came back into focus. I was in a courtroom, handcuffed and standing before the judge, Agent Huinesoron at my side, waiting, apparently, for orders as to what he should do. He did not look happy. 

Sitting in the jury box, each flipping through a bundle of papers that looked suspiciously like my fan fic were nine people of various ages. Five of them looked horrified, two appeared angry, and the remaining pair ecstatic. I could easily guess who was what. The five were Tolkien fans, probably horrified at the disregard for canon. The first two were Legolas fans, enraged that I'd made Legolas and Aragorn a couple. The last pair were Haldir fans, amazed at how touching the fic was. I winced at the thought. 

  


A tugging at the handcuffs on my wrists brought me back to reality. "Melissa? You're to go on the stand - I'm to question you." He looked pleased at the prospect. 

I sighed. "Very well," I said, and allowed myself to be led to the stand. 

To be continued . . . 

  


Replies to reviews (I keep forgetting these!):

Huinesoron - Sorry if I've portrayed you as being totally unlike yourself . . . please just ignore it, or consider yourself to be an OC. *That sounded weird . . .* Glad you like it!

The Noble Platypus - Well . . . even if you didn't guess the site, you can still get a kudos. And, if you like, you can be on the jury - just tell me what you are . . . :o) 

  


Next update will be soon - I'm on a roll. :o)


	6. The Trial and possible torching? of Meli...

Disclaimer - See - Tolkien owns The Lord of the Rings. I do not own it. Tolkien - owner. Me - crazed fangirl borrowing it for a period of time. :o) Also note that I do not own Huinesoron or the Noble Platypus - they, presumably, own themselves. :o)

A/N - Yah! The trial! Hooray! Maybe I'll actually get things back on track in this chapter. 

  


"Please raise your right hand, and repeat after me," said Agent Huinesoron. "I, insert really horrible fan-girlish pen name here, do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help me Eru."

Wincing, I followed his directions. "I, Haldy's girl twenty five, do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help me Eru." I stopped to consider this for a moment. "Hey! That doesn't sound right!"

"Neither does your pen name," one of the jurors piped up. "But we're not commenting on that now, are we?"

I chose to ignore this comment, as did Huinesoron. 

"Melissa, you stand accused of creating two Boromirs and inadvertantly killing them both. Is this correct?" He asked gravely, black cloak swishing menacingly. 

"Yes," I stated calmly. "I am guilty as charged."

"This was not your first offense, was it, Melissa?"

"No. I - er - arrested for writing Mary Sues. Erm - they stuck me in my own story, and forced me to live it out, as was standard punishment, I am told." I admitted. 

"And who did you write Mary Sues for, Melissa?"

"Haldir - but only before I saw the movies. After that, I read the books - and stopped writing them for him. I moved on to writing different stories." I answered. 

"But you did not bother to remove your fan fictions, did you, Melissa?"

"Er - no. I didn't really think of it. To be honest, even if I could have I don't think I would have. It just - I dunno. I had a lot of fun writing them, and even if I only received flames, I still wanted to keep them up, as sort of a badge of honor, to show what I'd done and what I'd learned by doing it." I prattled on. 

One of the jurors - a platypus? - gave me an approving look. I gulped. 

"A badge of honor, Melissa? What did that badge say upon it - Writer of Toxic Sues?"

"Objection!" The judge cried. "Irrelevant question, Agent Huinesoron!"

He scowled at her, and continued on. "So when you wrote this particular Sue, you had not read the books?"

"No - that's why there are so many misspellings of the names." I squeaked. Two of the purists were glaring at me. "That's why I spelled Boromir's name wrong - that's why he died twice! It wasn't really Boromir - it was Borimir - a character that bore his likeness but not his name!" I exclaimed, suddenly realizing what this meant. 

Huinesoron glared at me. Apparently he'd enjoyed torturing me through questioning. "I have no further questions."

The judge looked over the top of her spectacles at me approvingly. "The evidence has been gathered and shown. If the jury will please step into their room to deliberate . . ."

One by one, the twelve fan fiction writers left. As they passed me by, almost all of them were smiling - and one, I was sure, even winked at me. 

Relieved, I sank back in my chair, to wait until they reached a decision. 

An hour later, the jury reappeared. 

"We have reached a decision," said the platypus. "We the jury find the defendant, Haldy's girl twenty five, not guilty. We would like to add, however, that if she has read the books, then why hasn't she changed her screen name, for fork's sake?"

I almost didn't hear the last part, so busy was I jumping up and down laughing hysterically. 

Within ten minutes I was back in my story setting, watching through Lossenlossëwen's eyes as Boromir slowly, painfully died. 

_"Oh Boromir," sighed Lossenlossëwen. "I tired to warn u that this wuld hapen, but u did not listen 2 me. Y?"_

_ "Lossenlossëwen," gasped the man. "Forgive me - I have failed u."_

_ Sobbing, she watched as the lite went out of his eyes. He was dead. _

_ Haldir apeared and put an arm around her shoulders. "Its ok, Lossenlossëwen. Its ok. He's going to a better place."_

_ She sniffed. "Yah, I know, but I still can't get over the fact that he's dead."_

  


I stood up and dried my eyes. "Ack. Couldn't they have at least warned me what was going to be happening as soon as I got back?"

Haldir, realizing that it was my shoulder he had his arm around backed away quickly. "Indeed." He gave me a scrutinizing look. "Why are you still here? I thought that nice Agent was going to torch you."

I stared at him blankly. "Nice? Torch me? No. You're still stuck with me."

Haldir groaned, and, turning in the other direction, ran away from me as quickly as he could. 

Bored, with nothing better to do, I sat down by Boromir's body and waited for someone to come find me. 

The Noble Platypus - :o) You're on the jury! Hooray! Don't feel bad for Melissa, because a). This is not a self-insert thing, and b). She deserves everything she gets. Mwahahaha. :o) Also - *waves back* Pancakes fan girl! 

  


Phaidra - Did I update soon enough? 

  


Huinesoron - Glad that even if you don't act like that in real life you still liked your fiction counterpart. :o) Sorry you didn't get to torch the Suvian - but then where would this story go?

  


Fireblade K'Chona - I didn't need another member of the jury in this chapter, but I might in other chapters, depending on where this goes. I'll keep your name in mind. :o)


	7. In Which Lossenlossëwen Angsts

Disclaimer - If I was Tolkien, I would be filthy rich, and not totally broke. 

A/N - Yes, another chapter. :-) For everyone out there that has not received constructive criticism from me, please ignore the following:_ At this time I would like to add - please people, if you're here complaining about a review I gave you, at least have the sense to e-mail me instead of writing up a huge review. If my e-mail address is not working (which is not normal, as it usually works, and if you spell it right it most definitely should) then wait a day or two and try again. Also, if you're e-mailing me to complain, please, spell-check things first so that I don't feel any need to mock you. Thanks. _

For the record, I hate Avril Lavigne's music. No offense to anyone that likes it - just know that it's going to be made fun of horrifically in this chapter. Also know that there is some slash in this chapter - bad slash, mind you, but slash all the same. Read at your own risk.

"Dead already?"

I looked up from where I was, slumped over at the base of a tree. "Um, yes. He died about half an hour ago."

Aragorn nodded. "It is as I feared."

Exasperated with the way things were turning out, I ducked out of the way and let the story do its own thing - namely let Aragorn and Legolas sing their song of the winds and dump Boromir's body over the falls. Thankfully, this did not involve Mary Sue singing any tidings of the northwest wind. 

Just when I thought things could not get any worse, that perhaps there wouldn't be any more make-out sessions with Haldir for a while, at least, something terrible happened. A large, terrible something. 

We arrived in Rohan, where Éowyn (called "the wench" by Lossenlossëwen) tried to steal Haldir's affections, resulting in much angst. Of course, this all had to happen before anyone thought of the hobbits. 

On the bright side, after having been flamed five consecutive times by someone calling themself "Friend of Canon", netspeak was completely eliminated from the story. Sure, the plotline was still horrible, Lossenlossëwen was still the uber-sue, and canon was so screwed up that I wasn't sure that anything would ever be the same again, but hey - at least the words coming out of my mouth weren't chatspeak. 

_(a/n - Alright, Friend of Canon, you win. I won't use abbreviations in the story any longer. Just remember, though, I'm the one writing, and what I say goes! To all my other peeps out there - the story is being moved to fanfiction.net because the moderator says if I don't fix the plot line, he will pull it from the site. Screw him! It's now up under "Final Truths". Just type that into the search engine, and have fun! Love you all, Haldy's girl 25.)_

_"Haldir," said Lossenlossëwen breathily. "I can't keep this pace much longer. We must rest."_

_ Haldir, who was beginning to have second thoughts himself about running for so long, agreed, and persuaded Aragorn to stop running and let them have some rest. _

_ "We will not reach Rohan for a month at this rate," grumbled the Ranger. "The King awaits us - we cannot tarry!"_

_ Lossenlossëwen gave him a Look. "What," she asked, "is your problem? You know that we cannot linger, and yet you do not drive us on? Surely I can run at least a league further!"_

_ "Shh," said Haldir. "You can't run any further and you know it. There's no point in running yourself into the ground."_

_ "That was a horrible pun," said Lossenlossëwen darkly. "And I can run further. Just watch me."_

_ As if to prove a point, she painfully climbed to her feet and began to run. _

"Ow," I yelped pathetically as I tripped and fell flat on my face for the third time. "Owies. There is no hope for mankind. Why did I write a Sue?"

"I'm sure I don't know," griped Haldir as he caught up to where I was. "It certainly wasn't my idea."

I resisted the urge to stick out my tongue. "Does anyone know what happens next?"

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, who were running ahead of us gave me an odd look. "What do you mean, what happens next?" asked Aragorn, pausing mid-step. 

"Well, you see, it's like this . . ." I began, and stopped. "Ah, screw it. Let's just put it this way. Éowyn is not the real Éowyn. She's . . . something else entirely. Meaning that it's probably a good idea that you don't talk to her or she might bite your head off. And, oh - Haldir? She thinks that since she can't have Legolas, that you're the next best thing. So she's after you."

"Can't have Legolas?" asked the Elf. "Why ever not?"

I pondered how to best answer this, and decided that it was better just not to think about it. "She just . . . can't. It's because you aren't like the other elves."

Aragorn sighed. "Meaning that he doesn't see women in the same light?"

I nodded, grateful that Aragorn at least knew what I was talking about. "Yeah. Um, in the next chapter, there's a lot of innuendo between you two, so . . ."

Aragorn threw up a hand. "I don't want to hear about it. The less I have to think about Legolas and I as more than friends, the better."

I shrugged. "Well, let's just say that Haldir and I aren't the only ones having lots of time to suck face."

Legolas, Aragorn, Haldir, and Gimli all winced in unison. 

_"Haldir?" asked Lossenlossëwen. "Are you awake?"_

_ "I'm awake now," he grumbled. "What is wrong, Lossenlossëwen?"_

_ "I'm afraid," said Lossenlossëwen. "I had a dream where I lost you - lost you to the pull of the won ring."_

_ Haldir sighed. "Lossenlossëwen, when'll you learn? I'll never give into the pull of the Ring! Gold is tacky." _

_ "O, ok," said Lossenlossëwen. "Just so long as know you won't._"

_Haldir smiled at her dreamily. "There is no need to fere, Lossenlossëwen. Ours is a love that is pure and true. There are none that will ever be able to break through the bond between us."_

"Gag me with a spork!" I shrieked, pulling away from Haldir's side. "If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times - this is disgusting!"

Haldir, who had apparently overcome his shock at having to proclaim his love for the Sue, laughed at me. Or rather, he sniggered in my face. "That," he said calmly, "was priceless. There are only so many stories that one runs across that are that wonderful - tell me, did you write that purposefully, or was it all done for laughs?"

I glared at him. "I was a naive, inexperienced writer, all right? I thought that poorly written love scenes were a good idea!" I snapped. 

He laughed again. "So it's real? That makes it all the better. Can I get a copy of this, when you're done living through it?"

"No!" I yelled, resisting the urge to slug him. "It's too tramatic, for one thing."

"Traumatic?" asked Haldir. "No - being forced to dress in women's clothing to please Legolas was traumatic. Kissing Aragorn was traumatic. This is just plain bad. Where's that nice Agent? I'm sure he'd want to see it - it'd give him another reason to use his flamethrower on you."

I stared at him blankly. "You are so screwed up," I muttered. 

He made a mock bow. "Thank you, my lady. I do try, you know."

"Stupid elves with their stupid perfect hearing!" I mumbled. 

"I heard that," Haldir sang out joyfully. "And I'll have you know it's very useful!"

"Oh, go bug Aragorn. I'm not going to listen to you. In fact, I'll be very happy when that torture scene comes . . ."

"Torture scene?" asked Haldir, the color draining out of his face. 

"Oh yes," I bluffed, knowing well that what I was about to say was not in the story at all. "Éowyn's into bondage these days, don't you know?"

_It was not long before Lossenlossëwen and the rest of the Company arrived in Rohan, only to find things in disarray. Theoden king had been put under a spell by Saruman the White, Wormtongue reigned supreme, and Éowyn was her nomral sluttly self. _

_ Lossenlossëwen knew that if she didn't do *something* she would lose Haldir to the embrace of a mortal, and then to death. So she panicked. _

_ "Haldir," she said, showering him with kisses, "Don't ever leave my side!"_

_ "Don't worry, honey," said Haldir absent-mindedly, eying Éowyn. "I'll neer leaev you."_

_ "It's too late," sobbed Lossenlossëwen. "You've already been lost to that wench and her feminine wiles."_

_ Lossenlossëwen, being a magick handler herself, was sensitive to the spells of others. Upon entering Rohan, she became aware of a powerful love spell being used - a love spell that had been outlawed centures ago by the White Council. All of the Rohans had fallen under its influence - all, that is, except Éomer. It was then that Lossenlossëwen knew who had cast such a spell - Éowyn herself!_

I shook my head and blinked as the story dissipated, leaving all of us standing in the bright morning sun. "That was weird," I commented. 

"Yes indeed," said Haldir dryly. "But in a good way. Éowyn, you say? She's at least canon. She's not a Sue, at least." He brightened considerably. "Wait - you didn't write any obscenities in that scene! Does this mean what I think it means?"

"That there's going to be lots of pointless angst in the future?" I guessed. "Yes, you're right. There is a lot of pointless angst in the very near future. No romance, just lots and lots of pointless angst."

"No romance?" said Aragorn hopefully. "Does this mean that the scene you hinted at earlier will not take place for at least a brief space of time?"

"Ah, no," I replied guardedly. "You see, in the story, Lossenlossëwen is weeping bitterly when she finds Legolas and Aragorn admitting their true feelings for one another. The weeping bitterly starts around . . . here!"

_Lossenlossëwen was depressed beyond words. There was no hope for her, none at all. _

_ (a/n - here is the flashback to earlier that night, like I promised. The past events are in *, thoughts are in , and elfish translations are included at the bottom of the story! O yah - I don't own any of the song lyrics used in this chappie!)_

_ *She was sitting at the table across from him at dinner, trying to catch his eye, only to be interrrupted each time by Éowyn makign some bawdy remark. "So Haldir," she would say, "What is a fine elf like you doing with such a wench like that?", pointing to Lossenlossëwen each time. Lossenlossëwen wasn't stupid. She knew the names that Éowyn called her weren't good.*_

_ Lossenlossëwen sniffled and began to weep. It was because of what had happened during dinner that she had asked Haldir to meet her out here, on the stipulation that if he was still faithful to her, he would come. It had been an hour. Still he had not arrived. _

_ Almost without thinking of what she was doing, Lossenlossëwen began to sing. _

_"I'm Standing on a bridge, I'm waitin in the dark, I thought that you'd be here by now, Theres nothing but the rain, No footsteps on the ground, I'm listening but theres no sound ," she sang in a voice unmatched by anyone in Middle Earth. She would have gotten farther in the song, only her tears overcame her, and she wasn't able to finish. Knowing that Haldir wasn't going to come, she walked back into the hall, only to stop. She could hear voices, saying the most romantic of things._

_ "I've known I loved you ever since I lay eyes on you," said a deep voice that reminded her painfully of Haldir's. "There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Take me. I am yours."_

_ "I do not know that this is right," said another voice, higher, feminine. "I have loved you, too, since the day we first met, but I know that elves love forever, and considering that one of us is mortal and the other immortal, I do not know that it is such a good idea for us to admit our feelings now."_

_ "I - I don't care. Mortality can wait. Kiss me."_

_ Unable to stand it any longer, sure that it was Éowyn and Haldir that she was listening to, she ran to that part of the hall where the voices were coming from . . . _

_ Only to find Legolas and Aragorn kissing madly. _

I blinked, took a step back, and blinked again. So that was what a male on male kiss looked like. I didn't think I'd be writing any more slash soon. 

"Uh," I said, trying to remain calm while making my presence known. "Uh, hi."

Legolas and Aragorn immediately broke apart. There was a resounding snap as canon, already stretched to the limit, shot back into place. Without warning, everything changed. No longer was the hall a carbon copy of something out of the movie - instead, it looked like its book counterpart. Suddenly, I found myself with an arrow pointed at my head, and a knife against my ribs. 

"Um, I'm sorry?" I squeaked. 

Thanks to everyone that reviewed! __

  



End file.
